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Probably the most extensive list of clean piano and pianist jokes to be found anywhere.
Why are pianists fingers like lightning?
The piano player went into a bar but kept fidgeting so much that he could not enjoy his drink. Finally the bartender asked him what was wrong. The piano player replied, "My keys, my keys! I can't seem to find my keys!"
Did you hear about the stupid pianist who kept banging his head against the keys?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I
asked how she was doing with it.
A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says:
A pianist is playing in a seedy, Mafia-owned tavern in South Jersey...it's 11:55 PM, and he's 5 minutes away from the end of his gig. The owner's assistant comes up to the pianist and says:
"Da boss wants you should play Strangers In Da Nite."
The henchman continues: "Da boss wants you should play it in F#"...
The henchman goes on: "Da boss wants you should play it in 5/4 time."
So the pianist improvises an introduction, and as he gets to the opening notes of the song, he hears, in a really ugly, raspy voice behind him:
"Strangers in-da-friggin' night....exchanging glances; Strangers in-da-friggin' night ..."
At a posh wedding reception in Beverly Hills the pianist falls into the swimming pool. The pianist flails furiously while calling for help, yelling "help me! I can't swim!" One of the other guests who happens to be at the poolside says "So? I can't play the piano and you don't hear me complaining."
I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered
hopefully. "I gave your son piano lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Oppernockity. He arrived 2 days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left. Several days later Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about the tuning and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem. However, the tuner replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Oppernockity only tunes once!"
the difference between a piano and a Harley-Davidson?
the difference between a piano and a fish?
Definition of a piano tuner: A person employed to come into the home, rearrange the furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner's chief purpose is to ascertain the breaking point of the piano's strings.
Piano Tuner: I've come to tune the piano.
There was a pianist named Dougherty
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
Q: How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Goodness!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"
St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen ..."
[Ever wonder what it really takes to enter those pearly gates? See the Bible, Romans chapter 10.]
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
Three guys are in a bar and begin discussing annual incomes. The first guy brags and says that he made $136,000 last year with salary and bonuses. The second guy inquires, "What do you sell?" The second guy then tops the first by bragging that his total annual income was $410,000 due to stock options and investments. The first guy is impressed and asks, "Who is your broker?" The first and second guy look at the third and ask, "How much money did you make last year?". The third guy replies rather embarrassed, "$52,000" The second guy replies, "We had no idea you were a musician. What instrument do you play?"
Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
These jokes are so bad I can't Handel them.
A little boy was complaining to his friend, "My mom won't let me watch
public television anymore!"
Recently seen on a T-shirt:
Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?
Q: What happens when you play "the blues"
Q: What happens when you play country western music
Q: What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?
An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to death he called for all to gather together.
"There are no wrong notes."-- Thelonious Monk
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." -- Elvis Presley
"When a piece gets difficult, make faces." -- Arthur Schnabel (to Vladimir Horowitz)
"Go get a real estate license." -- Frank Zappa
"All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff." -- Frank Zappa
"I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?" -- Frank Zappa (in response to Tipper Gore's allegations that music incites people or influences their behavior in general)
"There is two kinds of music, the good and bad. I play the good kind." -- Louis Armstrong
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Company rejecting the Beatles, 1962
"If you have to ask, you'll never know." --Miles Davis' answer to the question, "What is Jazz?"
"An ambitious and aggressive mother conned pianist Arthur Rubinstein into listening to her 10-year-old son murder a nocturne by Chopin. At the conclusion of the massacre, Rubinstein announced, 'Madam, that is undoubtedly the worst piano playing I ever heard.' Whereupon the mother nodded happily and told her son, 'You see, stupid? Now will you give up those expensive piano lessons and try out for the Little League baseball team?'" -- Art Buchwald
"The piano has been drinking, not me." -- Tom Waits
"Hope you don't think this is Billy Joel unplugged. I'm a piano player. I'm already unplugged." -- Billy Joel
"A rock band used to be four guys and a drummer. Now it's five guys sitting around reading manuals!" --Bill Bruford
"I'm told that Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds." -- Mark Twain
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." -- Bob Newhart
"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune." -- Kin Hubbard
"Music is higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy." -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
"Beethoven can write music, thank God, but he can do nothing else on earth." -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
"If music be the food of love, play on." -- William Shakespeare
"If you want to make beautiful music, you must play the black and the white notes together." -- Richard M. Nixon
"Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is 8 or 9 he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes." -- Bill Cosby
"Music hath the charm to sooth the savage beast (sic), but I'd try a revolver first." -- Josh Billings
"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet." -- Oliver Herford
"...I don't want you to play me a riff that's going to impress Joe Satriani; give me a riff that makes a kid want to go out and buy a guitar and learn to play." -- Ozzy Osbourne
"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line." -- Oscar Levant
"Music is spiritual. The music business is not." -- Van Morrison
"Music is everybody's possession. Only publishers think that people own it." -- John Lennon
"Composers shouldn't think too much--it interferes with their plagiarism." -- Howard Dietz
"My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a producer." -- Cole Porter
"Get up from that piano. You hurtin' its feelings." -- Jelly Roll Morton
"I have no pleasure in any man who despises music. It is no invention of ours: it is a gift of God. I place it next to theology. Satan hates music: he knows how it drives the evil spirit out of us." -- Martin Luther
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." -- Albert Schweitzer
"There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major." --Sergei Prokofiev
"I would rather play Chiquita Banana and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve." -- Xavier Cugat
"My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference." -- Harry S Truman
"I always make sure that the lid over the keyboard is open before I start to play." -- Artur Schnabel, Australian pianist, asked the secret of piano playing.
"I love Beethoven, especially the poems." -- Ringo Starr
"You don't need any brains to listen to music." -- Luciano Pavarotti
"You know, it's funny... when you're making money, people don't think you're playing jazz. Now when you're not making money, people think that you're a good jazz musician." -- Pete Fountain
"It's really hard to make a living as a musician. It's almost impossible." -- Billy Joel
"I knew nothing of the real life of a musician, but I seemed to see myself standing in front of great crowds of people, playing my accordion." -- Lawrence Welk
"When I auditioned for my high school band the band director was excited because my father was known to be a great musician. When he heard me, he said 'Are you sure you're Ellis's son?'" -- Wynton Marsalis
"I'm a musician at heart, I know I'm not really a singer. I couldn't compete with real singers. But I sing because the public buys it." -- Nat King Cole
"I think one of the great moments of my life was when I could write musician on my passport." -- Jon Anderson
"Aunt Marion was right... Never marry a musician, and never answer the door." -- Charles M. Schulz
"I grew up wanting to be a musician, but my parents were sure I would starve to death. So, they put me in physics and chemistry. That eventually blew up, and I got into radio." -- John Tesh
"Give me a laundry list and I'll set it to music." -- Gioacchini Antonio Rossini
"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger." --Dan Rather
"Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end." -- Igor Stravinsky
"A good composer does not imitate; he steals." -- Igor Stravinsky
"Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes." -- Bill Cosby
"Nothing soothes me more after a long and maddening course of pianoforte recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled." -- George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright and music critic.
"Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living." -- Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer
"Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no singers!" -- Gioacchino Rossini
"In opera, there is always too much singing." -- Claude Debussy
"Country music is three chords and the truth." -- Harlan Howard
"Don't bother to look, I've composed all this already." -- Gustav Mahler, to Bruno Walter who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria.
"As a musician I tell you that if you were to suppress adultery, fanaticism, crime, evil, the supernatural, there would no longer be the means for writing one note. " -- Georges Bizet
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." -- Johann Sebastian Bach
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." --Voltaire (1694-1778)
"Use the talents you possess, for the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except the best." -- Henry Van Dyke
"Piano: A cumbersome piece of furniture found in many homes, where
playing it ensures the early departure of unwanted guests."
It is not always possible to predict the response of a doting Jewish mother. Witness the occasion on which the late piano virtuoso Oscar Levant telephoned his mother with some important news. He had proposed to his beloved and been accepted. Replied Mother Levant: “Good, Oscar, I’m happy to hear it. But did you practice today?”
"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility. There are so few of us left" -- Oscar Levant
"You're talking to someone who really understands rock music." -- Tipper Gore
"Down South where I come from, you don't go round hittin' too many white keys." -- Eubie Blake, African-American pianist and composer, when asked why he wrote so many of his compositions in difficult keys, with many flats or many sharps.
"I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't."
"I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much."
"I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible...and I wish to thank my children for making it all necessary."
"In my youth, I wanted to be a great pantomimist -- but I found I had nothing to say."
"Did you know that Mozart had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him on people's pianos."
"Ah Mozart! He was happily married -- but his wife wasn't."
"Beethoven wrote in three flats a lot. That's because he moved twice."
When asked the difference between a violin and a viola, Victor replied, "a viola burns longer."
Borge's mischievous sense of humor was manifest from an early age. Asked as a child to play for his parents' friends he would announce "a piece by the 85-year-old Mozart" and improvise something himself.
Someone requested of Victor Borge that he play something by Bach, to which Victor replied, "Which one, Johann Sebastian or Offen?"
"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each
of you bought two or three seats."
Borge came to America to escape the Nazi occupation of Denmark in World War II. Starting to re-build his career, he was excited to get a booking at a large club in Florida, for which he was to be paid one dollar for each member of the audience. Three hundred guests saw his show, which was a tremendous success. When it came time to be paid, Borge pointed out to the management that the club's 40 waiters had also greatly enjoyed his performance. He got $340.
Leonard Bernstein (1918-1990), American conductor, composer and pianist. On one occasion, Bernstein's father was criticized for not having given his talented son more encouragement when he was a child. The father protested, "But how was I to know that he would grow up to be Leonard Bernstein?"
The actual quotation: Play it Sam. Play “As Time Goes By.”
Attribution: Julius J. Epstein, screenwriter, Philip Epstein, screenwriter, Howard Koch,
screenwriter, and Michael Curtiz. Ilsa Lund (Ingrid Bergman), in Casablanca (film), Ilsa Lund
(Ingrid Bergman) making a request to Sam (Dooley Wilson) the piano player. (1942).
Thought for the day:
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